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Bob Hope, the great comedian who died recently, lived so long, he reached an amazing milestone. No, I don't mean turning 100. So many people turn 100 these days that the Department of Motor Vehicles has stopped sending them free binoculars. (Don't worry: The roads are as safe as ever. Just stay off the pavements.)
Hope, the king of one-liners, did something few people have ever done: He outlived the man who wrote his obituary. Left him in the dust, so to speak.
Vincent Canby, who composed Hope's obit for The New York Times, died in 2000. He wrote the obit before his death, but apparently not -- forgive the expression -- on deadline.
It's common practice for major newspapers to write obits of aging or ailing public figures in advance, anticipating their deaths long before relatives start to dream of the inheritance. Some papers keep dozens of obits "in the can," ready to smother readers with exhaustive pieces that delve into every aspect of the deceased's life: "Strom Thurmond's kindergarten teacher once described him as the ultimate class clown. It was an early sign that he would enjoy immense success in politics."
Each canned obit is updated every year or so, as the soon-to-be-deceased clings to life with such zeal, he appears to be mocking the obit writer. "Ha ha! I'm not just alive, I'm extremely active. Just ask my friends how many times a day I visit the bathroom. Go ahead and put that in my obit!"
Indeed, obit writers are often forced to update their pieces with new, unforeseen accomplishments: "Even in his late eighties, Gerald Ford continued to be active in politics, serving two terms as president of the neighborhood bingo league."
For the beloved Ronald Reagan, newspapers haven't just composed in-depth obits, they've prepared hefty special sections. The day after Reagan passes, Democrats will doubtless blame him for another national problem: back pain among paperboys. Environmentalists are already displaying an important bumper sticker: "Save millions of trees: Keep Reagan alive."
Preparing for a public figure's death may seem like a good idea, but it increases the chances of a mistake -- the type of gaffe that allowed Bob Hope to have a big laugh about his own death. It happened on June 5, 1998, when the Associated Press accidentally posted Hope's obit on its site, prompting a somber announcement in the House of Representatives that the legendary entertainer was gone, nobody questioning how it could have happened so soon. (Hope was only 95.)
Thanks to the AP's blunder, many were skeptical five years later, when Hope's obit showed up again.
President Bush: "Before I make a statement about Bob Hope, I need to know this: Are we absolutely certain he's dead this time? Perhaps we should wait a few days, just to be sure."
White House aide: "No need to wait, sir. The CIA has confirmed it with his family, his doctor and even his pool boy. Everyone who knows him is in mourning, especially his accountant. But we've just received word that the people of Iraq aren't convinced. They want to see pictures."
Bush: "Oh no, not again! Well, send them a picture of Hope sleeping. We have one of those, don't we?"
Aide: "Yes, sir, from your inauguration. What an excellent idea."
More articles by Melvin Durai
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